Gratitude

I just read a news story about a girl who was diagnosed with osteosarcoma at age 11. She had tumors on her spine, and despite traditional treatments, was told she would die in 3 months. That was in 1997. This year she celebrated 13 years since her diagnosis. She was given an experimental treatment that saved her life. She calls the anniversary of her diagnosis her "Glad to Be Alive" day.

This girl, now a young woman, wrote about how she is glad for all the positive things cancer brought into her life. And it reminded me...

When I was 13 years old, I was diagnosed with a rare auto-immune disease. I was one of two girls in Colorado who had it. Treatment included heavy duty steroids, chemotherapy, and monthly trips to the hospital for infusions of gamma-globulin. Cancer, it was not. Except for the day of my diagnosis, I never feared for my life. I knew that I would get through it. After 2 years, my disease was in remission, and it never came back.

Some people said to me, "I'm sorry you had to go through that." And I appreciate that sentiment. But, I'm not sorry. Experiencing such a challenge was an incredible lesson- about gratitude, about what is really important in life. Because of my experience, I have strength. The experience simplifies things for me. There is a lot of other "stuff" that consumes people, that doesn't really matter. Some days, it gets me, too. But, ultimately, every day, I think about how blessed I am, especially now that I am a Mom. I think the challenge was there so that I could be grateful.

Week 2

I am just about to start week 2 of work. Week 1 went remarkably well. I cried each time I left Kinnie, though each time the tears were dried more quickly. I think I will love my job- it will keep me busy, which is good when I want time to pass to get home to my baby. Kinnie has handled the transition well. We love her daycare provider so far- she is a woman who specializes in babies under 3 years old. She is attentive and relaxed and caring. There are three other girls there when Kinnie is, and she loves to watch them. In the past week, she has become even more talkative, and I wonder if it is, in part, her effort to communicate with the other kids.

I was rocking Kinnie last night, after her nighttime meal. She was asleep, and I was watching her, imagining what life will be like when she is one year, or ten years, or when she is moving out on her own for the first time. I realized I feel so unprepared for those things. It is so lovely that parenthood is a process. So, while none of those milestones will happen tomorrow, when I look back, it will probably feel as though it was just yesterday that I was rocking my little infant to sleep. Because we're together every day, and I see her grow and develop, when those milestones do get here, I will be ready.

I am so grateful for this experience. I can't believe how it has changed my life, and my outlook on life. A cousin wrote that life before kids is black and white, and after kids, life is in color. That's the best description I have heard. And no one could have explained it to me before she was born. There just aren't words. And, I think one doesn't know this kind of love and awe and gratitude until they are looking into their child's face for the first time.

3 months, 9 days

Kinnie is amazing. She can laugh, coo, almost sit up, hold toys in her hands. Every day there is some small advancement (and some days bigger ones)- she fine tunes the use of her hands, or adds another sound to her repertoire of "ooh"s and "ah"s. Her favorite thing right now is to lie on a blanket on the floor and practice kicking, rolling (with help), and sitting up (also with a little help). She spends a great deal of time staring at her hands and feet. She has also started making an "ooo" sound repeatedly when she is looking at something she likes. She loves being in her bjorn, which is now how we go about shopping. She could stare at trees for hours. I am glad she seems as though she'll appreciate the outdoors. Now I just have to get her to the beach...

Motherhood is also amazing. For all it's challenges, and for all the tears I have shed, there is nothing I would rather do in my life.

Last night was Kinnie's first night in her own room, in her crib. She had been building up to it, having naps in the crib during the day and sleeping in our room at night. She went to bed the same as normal, but awakened at 6:15 instead of her usual 7:45. I have a feeling she opened her eyes and realized that there was so much more to look at in her own room. I went in and she was smiling and wiggling all over the place. So, she handled it well. I, on the other hand, bawled. It was the first night in her life that we didn't sleep in the same room. She was ALL the way down the hall. Just imagine when she goes to college...

I have one week left at home until I start working part time. People keep asking me how I feel, and my answer is always that it depends on the moment. The most difficult part right now is finding daycare. I have several options that I am looking at- with Brian's help, of course. Sometimes I feel as though I must choose between the lesser of evils- not because what I'm looking into is bad, but because there isn't any day care that can provide the one on one attention that I would love for Kinnie. Still, there are those that do close to that. Mama bear just has to be willing to trust that baby bear will be well cared for and loved.

More to come soon, I hope...

Joy

My little Kinnie just laughed for the first time. It made me laugh and cry. It tickled my heart. She can now fully express her joy and happiness. There is nothing sweeter.

She is 12 weeks today.

My feet and hers

I knew my feet expanded during pregnancy. But, as flip flop season is coming to a close, I have been putting on my "regular" shoes again. And it seems they're too small. My feet have not shrunk back down to size. I have a fierce shoe collection (if I do say so myself), and may be a little heartbroken about this situation. Enough about me. On to the important one...

Kinnie has discovered her feet this week. When in the correct position, she just stares- especially at her left foot. She distinctly grabbed for it twice yesterday with her left hand (might we have a south paw on our hands???). Her control of her hands is improving, though she manages to smack herself in the face dozens of times every day. It is a hilarious and painful process to watch, all at the same time.

Kinnie has also figured out how to pull herself to sitting when she is in a semi-reclined position, which she often is when she is in our laps. This makes her a slightly more dangerous little thing, as she could roll herself off my legs at any time.

A laugh is coming. I know it is. She opens her mouth in a wide smile, and I can almost hear it.

We're going through a phase in which Kinnie is quite sure I am the only person who can comfort her when she is upset. Though I am flattered, I also hope she will be over this soon. If she is upset, tired, or hungry, and is someone else's arms, she amplifies her upset.

My anxiety, in general, is improving. I don't want to jinx anything, but it appears that Kinnie is past her colic. Now, when she cries, there is a discernible reason. It is a relief, and I really wonder if there is a need for more of a support system for parents of babies who suffer from colicky symptoms. It is such a difficult, heartbreaking, and isolating thing.

She is also sleeping through the night. Like, 10-11 hours every night since she was 10 weeks old. It has been so nice for me not to have my sleep broken up by a midnight feeding. It is now time for her to move into her own room, which tugs at my heart strings a bit. I know we will all sleep better, but knowing she is right there is somewhat comforting. I can awaken at night and just stare at her.

I am looking at going back to work in the next month. A good job possibility has dropped into my lap. It is part time, counseling adolescents involved in the criminal justice system, working for a supervisor who I very much respect and enjoy. It is a bittersweet thing. I think I am not meant to be a "stay at home" mom. As much as I have cherished the time with Kinnie, I get lonely. It is hard to believe that she is coming up on twelve weeks. It really does just keep getting better.

Brian had a great job interview this week, and we are very hopeful that soon he will be working one full time job, that will earn as much as he is making working 50-60 hours per week right now. He deserves it, and it will be so nice to have him home more.

Perspective

A friend of a friend lost her newborn baby. I don't know the circumstances, and I don't know the family. I only know of his passing because of social networking. It is tragic. And, it leaves me thinking, what do I have to complain about? When my baby is fussy, when I feel taxed... Really, all those things are blessings. Because those are things that will be missed by a mother whose child left this world all too soon. I will live this day in gratitude...

Let me be honest...

Motherhood has been an anxiety provoking experience for me. It has been wonderful, amazing, beautiful, and, truly the best thing that has ever happened for me. And, I'm anxious in a way that I haven't been before. In a way that doesn't suit me. I have hinted at it in previous posts, but have felt ashamed that I can't easily go with the flow. I have been looking for reasons, and still don't fully understand. But, it's time to own it, admit it, and figure it out.

Much of my anxiety is about Kinnie crying. As I wrote in my last post, she is passionate person. She has some good cries. And it just kills me. First, I worried that she was in pain or unhappy. Then, I started thinking, "what kind of mother must these people think I am?" Then I started thinking, "what kind of mother am I that my baby cries?"

I know. Duh. Babies cry. Kinnie cries much less than she smiles, and thinks, and sits contentedly. But those moments when she wails (or even just fusses) feel so long. I think I imagined that my first child would be "easy," whatever that means. I didn't imagine that she would be colicky, whatever that means. I thought she'd eat, smile, sleep, and repeat. She does. It's just that there is "fuss" added in there, usually a couple times per day.

I have attempted to adopt a healthier perspective about a baby's cries, in general. That it is their way of communicating a lot of things, or just letting off steam. That no one judges me for the fact that she cries. That she is thriving and happy. That, most nights I get at least 5 hours of sleep in a row, which is incredibly lucky. That there will come a time when I will miss that my daughter was this tiny little being. That I WANT Kinnie to be able to express herself, and I don't want her to feel stifled by her mom's distaste for the fussing.

I am trying to use logic to counter the emotion I experience, which often works well. But, in my own self pondering, I often want to understand WHY I feel the way I feel. In Mexico, I felt so good, and more laid back than ever. Now, I have to do a lot of self-talk to get to that place. Yes, there have been a few transitions between there and here. But why can't I just exist in that easy going state of mind? When I can get there, I feel so much better.

I suppose, in time, the answers will come. And, I am learning important lessons along the way.