Seasons

Summer is winding down. And with the impending change of season comes time to reflect on one which has contained the greatest joys and sorrows...

Grandy left this world on Monday, August 8th. She was with her children as she breathed her last breath. I am sure that her death is noted as of natural causes. But the truth is, she was ready. Whether it was because she wanted to see Granddad once more, or because she was just tired of this life, she went on her own terms.

Grandy was the sweetest lady, a darling. She was funny and witty and giving and forgiving and generous and loving and affectionate. She wanted everyone she cared for to know as much, and she wanted to be able to provide us all with everything we wanted. I will never forget her laugh. Granddad, her kids, her grandkids all made her laugh.

Processing my view of the world without Grandy in it is daunting. It doesn't seem possible that she is gone. She was always so full of life, that to imagine that death has taken her is counterintuitive. We spoke to her by phone 6 days before she passed. She was aware, and perhaps a little foggy. We told her we loved her, that she means the world to us. And she responded in kind.

I continue to be so grateful. Grateful that I got to be a part of Grandy's family, that I got to bear one of her great-grandchildren, grateful that Kinnie got to meet Grandy. Words cannot express the admiration, respect and love I have for her. Nor can they express just how much she is missed. She lived life fully and lovingly...

"You would know the secret of death.

But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?

The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.

If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one, even as the river and sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;

And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.

Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the kind whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.

Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?

Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and melt into the sun?

And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."

~Kahlil Gibran

Rest in peace, dearest Grandy. I love you.

Spent

I called Kinnie's doctor's office today, and left a message for the nurse about Kinnie's recent tummy trouble (which is nothing serious, but worth asking about). I left all the information, and was about to leave my phone number, when....

poof! I didn't know it anymore. I was stunned. I haven't had that happen since I got the darn phone. I started off strong... "My number is 720-..... (long silence. long enough that the voice message had to ask if I was finished leaving my message)." I then proceeded to give a number that I am quite sure was the wrong one, because I haven't got a call back.

The thing is, this summer has just been so full. Brian's best friend's wedding, Kinnie's first birthday, our anniversary, my brother's wedding in two days, a trip to Wyoming in a week. All that was eating up my brain cells faster than the speed of light.

And then, we got such sad news this week. Brian's Grandy, my Grandy, has fallen ill. I feel as though I can't even process the words. I love and adore her.

So, yes, spent is the correct way to describe it. Maybe burned out. Or fried. And, without a doubt, I'm running on fumes. I keep wondering when life will settle. I think the answer is probably never.