My day today began a 4:15 am. I awakened to the sound of a woman outside my house, yelling "help" over and over again. I was flooded with a series of thoughts... "I should run out and make sure she's okay. There could be danger out there. I shouldn't also put myself in harm's way. I should call 911. What if something awful is happening? What if I'm not doing enough? What would my mom do? What would other people do? What is the right thing?" All these things came to mind in a matter of seconds. I elected to call 911, and dispatch was sending police over immediately. Obviously, I could not get back to sleep.
I got to work, and found that one of my clients had been suspended and received legal charges. His family is unwilling or unable to cooperate with therapy, and I feel at a loss about how to help him.
I met with an elementary school girl who is incredibly traumatized, and trying to work through it. But her eyes were vacant, she shook and cried. I couldn't solve it for her in that minute.
I heard from my mom that she was not feeling well, and was likely going to admitted to the hospital. She was not able to care for my baby for the rest of the day. I wanted to find a way to help her, and get care for Kinnie.
Just as I am writing this, something bit me. Twice. Right on my hip scar.
I don't know what I'm trying to say, to write, by detailing all of this. But I don't feel good. I feel disappointed, sad, hurt, scared, angry. Helpless. Helpless. And I am trying to figure out how to put my energy into the places that matter most, and let go of the rest, so that I don't feel so crazy busy. But I can't figure out how to prioritize.
I realized, in a meeting this afternoon, that I have completely lost my sense of people being inherently good. I realized that when I began my job two years ago, I was absolutely convinced that all people are doing the best they can. I don't feel that anymore. And I would like to.
I am not of the perspective that things can't get worse because I know they can. I know that tomorrow will likely contain more successes. But I would like to know how to make today feel more successful. Sometimes its hard for me to focus on anything other than feeling that the day was overwhelming.
Deep breaths...
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
A doozie...
Today was a doozie. The things that come out of my daughter's mouth astonish me, and make me laugh. I don't know where she comes up with this stuff. I had to write to capture some of it...
-This morning, while coloring with markers, Kin decided to color on herself. I reminded her that if she continued to do that, we would have to put the markers away. To this she replied, "But Mommy, I need to go color on myself."
- Later in the day, Kinnie and I were in her room, playing with her new Dora doll. I play the role of Dora, and Kinnie played herself. Dora grabbed one of Kinnie's toys and said, "It's mines" (meaning, it is mine). Kinnie grabbed the toy from Dora, and said, "No, it's mines." Dora became upset, and asked, "why don't you want to share with me?" To this, Kinnie offered an extensive explanation; something like: "it's special because we got it at the store and so it's special and it's mines." Dora couldn't argue with that.
- On our afternoon walk, with Kinnie in the stroller, and Daddy with the dogs on leash, Kinnie said, "I'm mad at Daddy. Daddy is Daddy Gay." (This remark is thanks to my little brother and his "teachings.") I asked why she was mad at Daddy, and she said, "No, I'm not mad at Daddy. I'm curious." Hmmm...
- At dinner, the discussion turned to private parts. Kinnie looked at Daddy and said, "You have a vagina."
- Kinnie stubbed her toe this evening, and Daddy tried to kiss it. She said, "Daddy, don't touch me. I'm special."
Yes, Kinnie, you are special. I wish I could record every day, all the times you make me laugh. Of course there were other moments today, like when you pooped in the tub. As I was scrubbing it out, you turned off the bathroom lights and refused to turn them back on. That was not fun. But now that all the bleach I could find has been used to disinfect the bath, I can even laugh at that, too. Anyone who does not believe that parenthood is an incredible adventure is not paying attention.
-This morning, while coloring with markers, Kin decided to color on herself. I reminded her that if she continued to do that, we would have to put the markers away. To this she replied, "But Mommy, I need to go color on myself."
- Later in the day, Kinnie and I were in her room, playing with her new Dora doll. I play the role of Dora, and Kinnie played herself. Dora grabbed one of Kinnie's toys and said, "It's mines" (meaning, it is mine). Kinnie grabbed the toy from Dora, and said, "No, it's mines." Dora became upset, and asked, "why don't you want to share with me?" To this, Kinnie offered an extensive explanation; something like: "it's special because we got it at the store and so it's special and it's mines." Dora couldn't argue with that.
- On our afternoon walk, with Kinnie in the stroller, and Daddy with the dogs on leash, Kinnie said, "I'm mad at Daddy. Daddy is Daddy Gay." (This remark is thanks to my little brother and his "teachings.") I asked why she was mad at Daddy, and she said, "No, I'm not mad at Daddy. I'm curious." Hmmm...
- At dinner, the discussion turned to private parts. Kinnie looked at Daddy and said, "You have a vagina."
- Kinnie stubbed her toe this evening, and Daddy tried to kiss it. She said, "Daddy, don't touch me. I'm special."
Yes, Kinnie, you are special. I wish I could record every day, all the times you make me laugh. Of course there were other moments today, like when you pooped in the tub. As I was scrubbing it out, you turned off the bathroom lights and refused to turn them back on. That was not fun. But now that all the bleach I could find has been used to disinfect the bath, I can even laugh at that, too. Anyone who does not believe that parenthood is an incredible adventure is not paying attention.
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