Ownership

Today, I am struggling with anxiety. I have had depression for 15 plus years, and since I became a Mom, anxiety has been a part of my mental illness. When my first was an infant, the anxiety came naturally, as I was a new mom, and she was a sensitive, colicky baby. Only, the anxiety didn't go away as she overcame her colic. Some days were better, and some worse. I attended therapy, and learned a lot about myself, and my triggers. Now, with another new baby, I have days that feel saturated with anxiety. And this baby is as laid back as they come.

I go through my anxious days trying to determine the source of my anxiety- specifically. Maybe it's that my oldest  is challenging everything I say. Maybe it's that my infant daughter has had health concerns, or that it was a late night last night with her. But as I pondered these questions today, I found myself wondering if I was focusing on the wrong things. Because if those things are causing me to be anxious, I don't have control over them anyway.

I love my non-anxious days. The days when I feel present, and free, and happy.  And something tells me that I have more control than I realize. Anxiety is such a pit, and it is so easy to dig deeper and deeper, rather than just lifting myself out. Not that that is so easy, because if it was, I probably wouldn't be writing this.

Being a Mom is so vulnerable. I strive to do the best for my girls. In fact, my therapist once pointed out that I don't know what good enough is, so I just keep pushing. But they are their own people. And the best laid plans don't always work out. And if Ellie fusses all afternoon, there may be nothing I can do to change that. That's why I realize that it is within me. It is within me to know that each challenge will pass. It is within me to know that I do all I can for my girls, and that this is more than enough. It is within me to accept the things I can't change, and to be present for the great moments and the tough ones. Because the moments do pass quickly.

I think this will likely be a longtime process for me, with good days and bad. And when I googled "mom anxiety," one suggestion in particular was to give up caffeine, which is NOT going to happen. Certainly, there is more that I can do to help myself. Gratitude. Deep breaths. Getting outside. Talking with loved ones. Engaging in play. Reminding myself of the absolute, complete wonder, of watching my two beautiful girls grow. Even with anxiety, I am so blessed.

The Mama of Two

It is Mother's Day. My first as a Mom of two baby girls. Well, one baby. The other insists that she is a big girl. Regardless of how big she is, she will always be my baby.

This day is supposed to be about celebrating moms. I want to celebrate Motherhood. This crazy adventure fills me up.

Before I was surprised by my first pregnancy, I thought I'd probably have kids. But I wasn't convinced. I was having fun living my life. I was pretty fulfilled and I didn't think anything was missing. Then, I got pregnant. I was excited, and scared, and unsure. But the moment my baby was born, I knew: this was my purpose.

Being a Mama is powerful. As far as I know, there is no other experience that can compare. The profound love for my girls rules every moment of my existence. Most of the time, it is a complete joy. Sometimes, the power of that love causes incredible pain. When my child hurts, sometimes I think I feel the pain more deeply than she does.

Purpose. My girls give my life purpose. And when I talk to other Mamas, they feel the same about their kids. Raising beautiful souls from the moment they are conceived leads me to believe there is no greater task. Protecting them, teaching them, guiding them, playing with them, holding them, loving them with all my being- that is my purpose.

So on Mother's Day, when they celebrate me, I celebrate them. I am blessed and grateful. They will never know the power of my love for them, unless, someday, they have children of their own.