One week from right now, I'll be at the hospital with Bri. They'll be prepping him for surgery- IVs, shaving his chest (I'm hoping to convince them to shave his armpits, too). We will be two hours away from surgery time. I hope that that morning, we can use our humor to get through. Surgery is this thing that we have been anticipating, worrying about, sometimes terrified of. The last two months have been some of the strangest of my life. I've know it was coming, and it's a reality that has weighed on both of us like nothing else ever has. While we were trying to come to terms with what it all means, we were trying to live life, work, take care of our girls, make Christmas magical. And through it all, there is this weight. A fear.
I'd never fully understood the phrase "burst into tears" until this time. I'll be feeling okay, strong even. And then, an image will pop into my head- of seeing Bri wheeled back to surgery, or intubated in the ICU, or of Kinnie crying for him- and the tears come. I don't have control. I had to walk Ellie into daycare last week with tears in my eyes. The daycare provider noticed and asked "just life?" I suppose that's one way to put it.
The flipside of fear, anxiety, and worry, is gratitude, I think. The moments when we are present and aware of how lucky we are to have the things we have. When Bri is cuddled up with both girls. When we're all playing on the bed. When we can hold each other and help each other through this. When our family and friends offer to do anything they can to help us through this. When our jobs approve extended time off. When our community, including people we don't even know, raises $12,000 to help us with expenses during this time. That is definitely the flipside. The side that warms us from the inside, and reminds us that it will all be okay.
It will be okay. I anticipate that the four to five hours of surgery may be the longest in my life. But when I know that Bri's heart is beating again.... and when I can hold his hand... when I can bring our girls to see him. Those will be the best moments of my life.
