I hope that the way I felt as the New Year arrived is a sign of things to come.
In reflecting on the past year, I struggle to look forward without anxiety. I want to say that I am stronger than all that has happened. It has taken a toll. Even with the incredibly bright light that is my Kinnie, it feels as though my world is somehow darker. This is an incredible process for me, and I am still working on accepting.
My mom wrote this to me today.
"To Kelsey and Brian~~~~As you close out 2011, I know that you will look back on a lot of loss and sadness. I am struck however, by the way in which you lived life in 2011. When you lost Granddad and Grandy you both graciously walked through the pain without numbing yourself and looked to help those you love with their grief. You were present and participated in 4 weddings! Sometimes, it was a thankless job, but you showed up and gave your all, every single time. You helped raise funds for Ryan's wedding and were an integral part of he and Laura's big day. You orchestrated ceremonies as well as performed them.
When tragedy struck and Dusty was gone, you went to be with your friends and grieve. Your sadness was palpable and uncomfortable to watch but we watched you walk through your grief and you taught us all in sharing that process. Another friends father passed and you took the time to comfort him.
There were our many family events, a trip to New Mexico, and not once did either of you not show up. Surely you were tired or sad, but you kept participating in life, all the while working and raising Kinnie. When Kinnie got sick you worked together as a team and met her every need, all the while feeling scared and unsure. She could not have asked for better parents.
So, while 2011 saw a lot of loss, it was a year of triumph for the two of you. You persevered and participated in this thing called life and did so with grace and dignity."
It was so good to read, and I hope that I can soon look upon 2011 as a year of triumph. Certainly, it will not triumph over me. I have so much for which I am grateful, so many blessings. I hope for a beautiful 2012.
