Some kind of validation

I was having a discussion with my mom the other day about Kinnie's first several months. She said to me that Kinnie's early infancy was one of the most difficult she had seen. This, coming from a woman who worked in pediatrics for about a quarter-century. It validated a strong sense I had that my baby, early on, was not easy. I, of course, did not know what to expect, and didn't know what bad or good could be. She would cry for hours some days, for no known reason. When you're going through that, it's not as if someone is going to say, "jeez, your baby is difficult." Because, then you'd be offended. But now, looking back, I'm glad it was evident to someone else. I looked for the good in every day with Kinnie in those first three months. And, sometimes, it was hard not to be overwhelmed by all the worry and sadness that she was so often upset. I can still conjure up some of the anxiety I felt if I think about it for long.

The good news is that we got through it. Kinnie is an absolute delight. She rarely complains now, except when she is tired or hungry. And those are things I can help to fix. I felt so helpless when she would wail and we had tried everything we could to comfort her. I often wonder what it was all about. I've questioned whether the experiences I had as a pregnant woman in a foreign country affected her- primarily the stress. Or, maybe it was the caffeine that I couldn't quite give up. Or, the 35-hour car ride from Guadalajara to Denver 2 weeks before she was born. It's interesting, because I am so often to be the first to speak up and protect women from being blamed or feeling guilt. It's not that I blame myself, but mostly just my curiosity about what happens in the months directly before and after birth.

Kinnie sits up pretty well, and her spitting up has almost vanished. Hallelujah. I think I can soon have my carpets cleaned. And, she doesn't go through several bibs or outfits every day. I hope that it also means that she is more comfortable. In the past few days, she has figured out where her primary food source lives. If she's hungry, she'll stare directly at my chest while voicing her complaints. Sometimes, she even grabs my shirt. I plan to nurse until she's about a year old. We'll see what she learns between now and then as far as finding her way to her meals.

The two bottom, center teeth have now broken through Kinnie's gums. Another hallelujah. She was miserable for a while. They are just tiny nubs at the moment, barely poking through. But, I think getting them through the gums was the most difficult part. In the past 3 days, she's been a whole new baby. I am so glad she's not hurting anymore. At least until the next ones come in.

I continue to be grateful everyday, and amazed at this process called parenthood. I love it, and am pretty sure it is what I was meant to do with my life- even though I've only been at it for seven months.

Warmth in my heart

I just walked up to Kinnie's room to get my phone, which had fallen from my pocket. I had put her down to bed a few minutes before, and she was still awake. She was quietly looking at the art on her walls, her hands resting on her chest. There is something about the innocence in these moments. I know she is peaceful, taking in the world around her. And there is so much she has yet to learn, to discover. It is a beautiful thing.

We traveled to St. Louis this past weekend so that Kinnie could meet her Great-Grandparents on the McNeill side. Granddad's health has declined in the past few years, and we want to take advantage of every opportunity to see him. And, the chance for Granddad and Grandy to meet Kinnie was priceless.

The travel itself was exhausting. Never again will I take a 6 month old on a two night trip. Unless someone else is paying for it (again). Kinnie was a champ overall, but by the end of day one, was a wreck due to being overtired and overstimulated. There may be some teeth on their way in, too. When we got to the hotel that night, much later than she would usually go to bed, Kinnie cried for over an hour. The next day was better, as we allowed a lot of time for napping. And then the next day, we headed home.

Despite the challenges, I would do the trip all over again. We have some invaluable pictures of Kinnie with her greats. More importantly, I imagine that for them, meeting a member of the next generation of their family means the world. To be able to bring smiles to Grandy and Granddad's faces was worth it all. They are incredible people. Granddad, who has difficulty with movement, reached out to Kinnie several times, once to grab her foot. And though he has some trouble with speech, when we were saying goodbye, he grabbed my hand and Brian's, and thanked us for coming.

Four years ago, Brian and I seriously considered trying to get pregnant. We felt that the chance for our child to meet our grandparents would be worth the interruption in our life paths at the time. Ultimately, we decided not to pursue having a baby at then. I am so grateful that the way it worked out, with the surprise of Kinnie, still allowed for these most important people in our lives to know her, and for her to know them.

Catching up

I was thinking about giving up on this blog. I'm not doing well in keeping up with it. But, then, when I get the urge to write, I sure am glad it's here.

Kinnie is six months old now. Every month, around the 30th, I end up having a very sentimental day or two, when I think about how fast time is going. To be honest, the rest of the time, I am just grateful for every day, and for all the new adventures. It is so exciting to see all the changes.

I was watching an interview on TV the other day, with a woman who had experienced multiple miscarriages. She said, "I know I'm meant to be a mom." I realized that I didn't know that until the minute Kinnie was born. From 1:18 pm on June 30th, 2010, for the rest of my life, I know what my purpose is. I have never felt more passionate, more sure of what brings meaning to my life.

Kinnie had her first Christmas, and the holiday season also brought her first road trip. She did very well. And what road trip with an infant is complete without a poop blow-out in the car? We visited her grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousins. She loved all the attention.

Kinnie has begun eating cereal every day. She likes it, I think. Last night, there was barley cereal on the table, all over the high chair, on the floor, in her hair... There's no way to control where it flies. She tends to put a finger or thumb in her mouth immediately after taking a bite, which ensures a mess.

I have had two naps with Kinnie in the last month. My Papa will likely scold me for allowing this to happen. In both cases, we were playing on the bed, and fell asleep. You see, Kinnie is not a baby who likes to be held constantly. In order to sleep, she has always been put in her crib. So, technically, the first time we napped together, I couldn't sleep because it tickled me so that she had fallen to sleep right next to me.

She laughs every day. She's trying to sit up, and is very nearly doing so independently. She has rolled over a few times. She puts everything in her mouth. She loves to eat. The words "bonk" and "boing" crack her up. Perhaps her favorite thing is a ride in her snuggli. She is a joy, pure delight, and wonderful.