Today, Kinnie, Ellie and I rode bikes to Kinnie's new school- where she will begin kindergarten in two short weeks. It is a beautiful building, with super friendly staff. I alternate between being excited for this next step, and being devastated that my baby girl is growing up so quickly. I have had a few lose-your-breath kind of cries over it. There is something about not being able to just have her with me whenever I want... I will miss her so much.
That's where the proverbial other side of the fence comes in. I have been a stay-at-home mom for just over two months now. Granted one of those months was a time of complete chaos, and selling the house, and then selling it again, and then being "homeless" and making a major move. But I have been with my girls pretty non stop for the last 68 days. It is a blessing. And I'm exhausted.
I don't know how stay-at-home Moms do it. I feel constantly on demand. I laughed to myself this morning when in the span of a half hour I went back and forth to the kitchen at least 10 times. One of the girls would want something, so I'd get it, come back, and then the other would ask for something else. I played at least 4 games of Go Fish. I blew up the backyard pool, and then cleaned all the poop out of it after the naked baby had a "yucka." I watched the tricks Kinnie did on her new swing set. I played that I was a friend of Kinnie's, and that she came to visit me with her two new babies, and then I babysat them while she went to Africa. I chased Ellie and tickled her to delighted squeals. And, all I really wanted to do was nothing. I was so tired today. And my house was a mess. I can't seem to find the balance, if there is such a thing. I have this idea in my head that stay-at-home Moms keep their houses clean, meet their childrens' demands, and look pretty doing it. I started searching the internet to find proof that I'm wrong. But I swear, there are some people who can do it all. Having a "job" is WAAAAAY easier.
While we were out in the yard today, playing in the pool and on the swing set, two girls inched closer and closer to the fence. Our house backs to an apartment complex, and there is a simple chain link fence, and a few shrubs, between our yard and the property belonging to the apartments. Here's where the literal other side of the fence comes in.
As the girls inched closer, I smiled and said hi. We have several kids who come around and ask what we're going, or watch as my kids play. These girls, it turns out, were 6 and 7. Sisters with a 1 year old brother. A Dad who works three jobs in hotels and fast food. And a Mom who spanks them if they have an accident in their pants.
I can tell that they and the other kids who come to the fence wish to be invited over. I see in their eyes the looks of envy. And I imagine their hearts, knowing they don't even have their own bedrooms, and watching my girls with their swingset, pool, slip 'n slide, and a million toys. The older of the girls asked how many bedrooms we had and proceeded to tell me that she, her parents, and two siblings live in a two bedroom apartment. She quickly explained that there is also a furnace room, that they use as a bedroom.
My privilege is thrown in my face, not in a malicious way, but in a very real way, when I talk to these kids. I'm middle of the road, but to these kids, hanging on the fence and wishing they had all we do, it must look so amazing. My heart aches for them, and I want to be able to provide them with more. But then, I realize I'm barely keeping up with what I have to for my own kids.
I suppose it is all about perspective. Perspective that I'm doing a good job caring for my kids, even if the floor REALLY needs to be mopped. Perspective that we have so much. Perspective that I can't bring all the hurting children home with me, but perhaps I can offer some kind of connection, compassion.
I'm still trying to find the balance. But I'm so grateful, even when balance isn't there.
