Deep breath

We left a memento for Dusty in RMNP this weekend. I tried to leave him there, too. Not in the sense that I don't want him around. But I am just trying to make peace in my mind. Every time I think about it, I feel a deep confusion and sense of loss. There was much he could have lived for.

We spent the weekend in the mountains for the wedding of a dear friend. And we stayed in a house with some of the most important people in our lives. There was laughter. There were tears.

As we all sat together yesterday morning, drinking coffee, I tried to convey my love and gratitude for the people in my life. I suppose the reminder to do that is one of the lessons we can take from our loss. I told my loved ones that I never want them to feel alone. I told them I would walk to the ends of the earth for them.

It breaks my heart to think that maybe Dusty couldn't see that. I know how many have shed tears for him, but yet somehow he felt alone. At least, I think he must have felt alone.

I still can't make sense of it. I have experienced loss in the past. But not like this. I am not a person who has feared death. I am spiritual, I believe in bigger things, greater connections than we can comprehend in this life. But something about how Dusty went... I wish we could have answers. And we probably never will.

I told Brian that I think when we see a hawk it is to make us think of Dusty, to remember him, to cherish him. This morning, as I drove to work, I saw 6 hawks flying over the city. I hope he feels at peace...