Let me be honest...

Motherhood has been an anxiety provoking experience for me. It has been wonderful, amazing, beautiful, and, truly the best thing that has ever happened for me. And, I'm anxious in a way that I haven't been before. In a way that doesn't suit me. I have hinted at it in previous posts, but have felt ashamed that I can't easily go with the flow. I have been looking for reasons, and still don't fully understand. But, it's time to own it, admit it, and figure it out.

Much of my anxiety is about Kinnie crying. As I wrote in my last post, she is passionate person. She has some good cries. And it just kills me. First, I worried that she was in pain or unhappy. Then, I started thinking, "what kind of mother must these people think I am?" Then I started thinking, "what kind of mother am I that my baby cries?"

I know. Duh. Babies cry. Kinnie cries much less than she smiles, and thinks, and sits contentedly. But those moments when she wails (or even just fusses) feel so long. I think I imagined that my first child would be "easy," whatever that means. I didn't imagine that she would be colicky, whatever that means. I thought she'd eat, smile, sleep, and repeat. She does. It's just that there is "fuss" added in there, usually a couple times per day.

I have attempted to adopt a healthier perspective about a baby's cries, in general. That it is their way of communicating a lot of things, or just letting off steam. That no one judges me for the fact that she cries. That she is thriving and happy. That, most nights I get at least 5 hours of sleep in a row, which is incredibly lucky. That there will come a time when I will miss that my daughter was this tiny little being. That I WANT Kinnie to be able to express herself, and I don't want her to feel stifled by her mom's distaste for the fussing.

I am trying to use logic to counter the emotion I experience, which often works well. But, in my own self pondering, I often want to understand WHY I feel the way I feel. In Mexico, I felt so good, and more laid back than ever. Now, I have to do a lot of self-talk to get to that place. Yes, there have been a few transitions between there and here. But why can't I just exist in that easy going state of mind? When I can get there, I feel so much better.

I suppose, in time, the answers will come. And, I am learning important lessons along the way.