Adjusting to dark

We have now been home from the hospital for 3 days. It has been so good to be home, and, mostly, to have my little girl feeling good again. The spark in her is alive and well.

I have struggled, in the past many days, with what the year 2011 has meant to me. I feel there has been an inordinate amount of struggle, and pain. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel like I am eager to begin a new year, one which, I dearly hope, will not be so hard.

As I reflect on feeling this way, I realize my thinking is flawed. My outlook is not so dark. At least not usually.

And so my challenge, between now and the start of 2012, is to look for light. I want to end this year with gratitude for all that I do have, and for what the challenges have taught me. I walked into Kinnie's room tonight, and stared into the pitch black that is her crib, until my eyes adjusted and I could see my soundly sleeping baby. And doing so made me think about this year. That, at first glance, it seems so dark- so much loss, so much heartache, so many challenges. But there has to be something more, something better, to take from it. If the dark defines this year, what will I be missing?

I suppose it is a choice, and an ability to accept these challenges as a part of the beauty of life. But in some moments, seeing it any other way feels so difficult. I just want to feel, in my heart and my gut, that something better has come out of all this pain.