Early

It is too early to be up. Especially when the baby is still sleeping. But eyes popped open, and my thought process went something like this: "What time is it? Oh, 5:00. One week from right now I could be in surgery." And that was it. I certainly was not going back to sleep.

The slew of emotions I experience in anticipating one week from today is overwhelming. A lot of those, perhaps, can be summed up in one word: anxious. I am anxious about how surgery will go, how it will feel to wake up and have a new hip, how bad the pain will be. I am anxious about all the restrictions in my movement, and how hard it will be to remember to keep my legs at shoulder's width apart, to not bend at the waist more than eighty degrees, and to not twist my new hip in any fashion. All of that, for six weeks. I am anxious about my baby girl, and how she will be, how much she will understand, and whether this will change our relationship (ah, this is where a lot of it lies- the waterworks have commenced). I am anxious about how this will weigh on Brian, trying to take care of all of us- granted, with a lot of help.

I am also grateful. I am grateful for the outpouring of support, and all the family members and friends signed up to help us out with the baby, the house, the dogs. I am grateful that after I recover, I will no longer be in pain. I am grateful that this is something that can be fixed, from which I know I will recover. I am grateful that my leave from work means a break, and fresh start in 7 weeks- the kind of opportunity which is rare in my line of work.

I am humbled. I am humbled by having to ask for so much help, and receiving more than we could need. 

One of the lessons for me in this experience is that I will only recover if I ask others for help. Though I like to be super-woman, I cannot in this situation. And  this is a lesson I need to learn. I am a caretaker. I like to do for others. I don't like to ask of others anything that I may accomplish on my own. Even when it would make more sense to ask for help. I still remember when I had my appendix out, many years ago, and a friend called and asked if she could could walk the dogs for me. I told her no. Even though everything in me wanted to say yes. I didn't want to inconvenience.

I realize now how much it means to me to be able to help others. And that, when I deprive others of the same opportunity, it isn't fair. And that I am deserving of help. I hope this is a lesson I can learn with grace.

So, the countdown is on, in earnest. I'm not sure if my next post will be before new hip, or after new hip. And, yes Mama, I am saying the serenity prayer....