This time

Kinnie is a month old today. In some ways it seems impossible that she has been in our lives this long, and in others, it feels as though it has been a long month. The learning curve for us, new parents, is quite sharp. I love her more and more every day. She is beginning to get the idea of a smile. It seems to happen in response to our smiles, and a general sense of contentment (usually after her belly is full from a big meal). She is getting stronger and stronger, and I noticed last night when I was changing her that her body is getting thicker. She no longer has chicken legs- there is meat on her bones. She'll hold up her head, and is working on being able to coo. This morning I found her in her bassinet, wide awake, looking around, and making little noises.

I know that Brian and I will look back on this time as some of the most special in our lives. How many families get to stay home together in the first month? This kind of bonding has been precious.

There is something about seemingly unlimited time. For some reason, things don't get done. I have housework I could do, filing of papers, phone calls I should make. But, when it seems that all there is, is time, there is certainly no hurry to get anything done. I am trying to get motivated, but, so far, haven't been very successful beyond taking care of Kinnie. I figure that's the most important thing right now, anyway.

It's not that the bad outweighs the good, not at all. But if I am honest, the tough stuff does impact this time. Brian is still looking for work. He'll be a substitute teacher, if nothing else. But that's not what he really wants, and it doesn't provide for us as well as if he was a contracted, full-time teacher. There is this weight, especially on him. We both wonder how things are going to work out, how we're going to ensure all the bills get paid. I wonder if I'll have to go back to work sooner than I had hoped.

This lack of certainty about what happens next is difficult to live with. I try to stay present, to just enjoy each moment of each day as something special and unique. But there's a lot of down time, when the baby is sleeping, to just think, and wonder. And, it makes it tough to leave the house, because so often leaving the house requires spending some money.

I hope that in another month, I'll be able to look back on this post and think, "I'm so glad this all worked out." I'm still hoping.