Some kind of validation

I was having a discussion with my mom the other day about Kinnie's first several months. She said to me that Kinnie's early infancy was one of the most difficult she had seen. This, coming from a woman who worked in pediatrics for about a quarter-century. It validated a strong sense I had that my baby, early on, was not easy. I, of course, did not know what to expect, and didn't know what bad or good could be. She would cry for hours some days, for no known reason. When you're going through that, it's not as if someone is going to say, "jeez, your baby is difficult." Because, then you'd be offended. But now, looking back, I'm glad it was evident to someone else. I looked for the good in every day with Kinnie in those first three months. And, sometimes, it was hard not to be overwhelmed by all the worry and sadness that she was so often upset. I can still conjure up some of the anxiety I felt if I think about it for long.

The good news is that we got through it. Kinnie is an absolute delight. She rarely complains now, except when she is tired or hungry. And those are things I can help to fix. I felt so helpless when she would wail and we had tried everything we could to comfort her. I often wonder what it was all about. I've questioned whether the experiences I had as a pregnant woman in a foreign country affected her- primarily the stress. Or, maybe it was the caffeine that I couldn't quite give up. Or, the 35-hour car ride from Guadalajara to Denver 2 weeks before she was born. It's interesting, because I am so often to be the first to speak up and protect women from being blamed or feeling guilt. It's not that I blame myself, but mostly just my curiosity about what happens in the months directly before and after birth.

Kinnie sits up pretty well, and her spitting up has almost vanished. Hallelujah. I think I can soon have my carpets cleaned. And, she doesn't go through several bibs or outfits every day. I hope that it also means that she is more comfortable. In the past few days, she has figured out where her primary food source lives. If she's hungry, she'll stare directly at my chest while voicing her complaints. Sometimes, she even grabs my shirt. I plan to nurse until she's about a year old. We'll see what she learns between now and then as far as finding her way to her meals.

The two bottom, center teeth have now broken through Kinnie's gums. Another hallelujah. She was miserable for a while. They are just tiny nubs at the moment, barely poking through. But, I think getting them through the gums was the most difficult part. In the past 3 days, she's been a whole new baby. I am so glad she's not hurting anymore. At least until the next ones come in.

I continue to be grateful everyday, and amazed at this process called parenthood. I love it, and am pretty sure it is what I was meant to do with my life- even though I've only been at it for seven months.

Warmth in my heart

I just walked up to Kinnie's room to get my phone, which had fallen from my pocket. I had put her down to bed a few minutes before, and she was still awake. She was quietly looking at the art on her walls, her hands resting on her chest. There is something about the innocence in these moments. I know she is peaceful, taking in the world around her. And there is so much she has yet to learn, to discover. It is a beautiful thing.

We traveled to St. Louis this past weekend so that Kinnie could meet her Great-Grandparents on the McNeill side. Granddad's health has declined in the past few years, and we want to take advantage of every opportunity to see him. And, the chance for Granddad and Grandy to meet Kinnie was priceless.

The travel itself was exhausting. Never again will I take a 6 month old on a two night trip. Unless someone else is paying for it (again). Kinnie was a champ overall, but by the end of day one, was a wreck due to being overtired and overstimulated. There may be some teeth on their way in, too. When we got to the hotel that night, much later than she would usually go to bed, Kinnie cried for over an hour. The next day was better, as we allowed a lot of time for napping. And then the next day, we headed home.

Despite the challenges, I would do the trip all over again. We have some invaluable pictures of Kinnie with her greats. More importantly, I imagine that for them, meeting a member of the next generation of their family means the world. To be able to bring smiles to Grandy and Granddad's faces was worth it all. They are incredible people. Granddad, who has difficulty with movement, reached out to Kinnie several times, once to grab her foot. And though he has some trouble with speech, when we were saying goodbye, he grabbed my hand and Brian's, and thanked us for coming.

Four years ago, Brian and I seriously considered trying to get pregnant. We felt that the chance for our child to meet our grandparents would be worth the interruption in our life paths at the time. Ultimately, we decided not to pursue having a baby at then. I am so grateful that the way it worked out, with the surprise of Kinnie, still allowed for these most important people in our lives to know her, and for her to know them.

Catching up

I was thinking about giving up on this blog. I'm not doing well in keeping up with it. But, then, when I get the urge to write, I sure am glad it's here.

Kinnie is six months old now. Every month, around the 30th, I end up having a very sentimental day or two, when I think about how fast time is going. To be honest, the rest of the time, I am just grateful for every day, and for all the new adventures. It is so exciting to see all the changes.

I was watching an interview on TV the other day, with a woman who had experienced multiple miscarriages. She said, "I know I'm meant to be a mom." I realized that I didn't know that until the minute Kinnie was born. From 1:18 pm on June 30th, 2010, for the rest of my life, I know what my purpose is. I have never felt more passionate, more sure of what brings meaning to my life.

Kinnie had her first Christmas, and the holiday season also brought her first road trip. She did very well. And what road trip with an infant is complete without a poop blow-out in the car? We visited her grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousins. She loved all the attention.

Kinnie has begun eating cereal every day. She likes it, I think. Last night, there was barley cereal on the table, all over the high chair, on the floor, in her hair... There's no way to control where it flies. She tends to put a finger or thumb in her mouth immediately after taking a bite, which ensures a mess.

I have had two naps with Kinnie in the last month. My Papa will likely scold me for allowing this to happen. In both cases, we were playing on the bed, and fell asleep. You see, Kinnie is not a baby who likes to be held constantly. In order to sleep, she has always been put in her crib. So, technically, the first time we napped together, I couldn't sleep because it tickled me so that she had fallen to sleep right next to me.

She laughs every day. She's trying to sit up, and is very nearly doing so independently. She has rolled over a few times. She puts everything in her mouth. She loves to eat. The words "bonk" and "boing" crack her up. Perhaps her favorite thing is a ride in her snuggli. She is a joy, pure delight, and wonderful.

Fifi

Fifi was born when I was 15. I didn't know her then. She came into my life when I worked at an animal hospital, 2.5 years ago. She arrived there as a stray. We had some records and I made effort to find her owners, even driving to several different addresses. Finally, I left a note in an apparently abandoned home with my contact information at the animal hospital. A few days later, a social worker contacted us. Fifi's owner, a woman in her late 80s, was in the hospital. The woman's daughter, in her 40s, was developmentally disabled, and staying in a host home- from which Fifi had run away. At first, they wanted to take Fifi back. But, when they found out I had offered to care for her, they turned her over, and she was ours.

I was so worried about bringing another dog home. I already had Koda, and I was afraid the presence of another pup would break her heart. Instead, they became the best of friends. Fifi didn't know how to play, but Koda taught her. They would wrestle as though they were young. Koda taught Fifi how to shake, too.

Fifi was a corgi mix. It seems likely that there was chow-chow in there somewhere. She was eternally sweet, always smiling, constantly wagging her tail. She never complained. She had precious freckles on her nose and toes. Everyone would stop us and ask us about her. I mean everyone.

Fifi adventured with us. She moved with us to Mexico. There, she became a neighborhood mascot. One man would yell her name whenever he saw her. Friends gave her the ironic nickname of "Murder Dog." Fifi ran on beaches, and was tackled by waves more than once.

Six days ago, a tumor was found in Fifi's abdomen. She wasn't eating, and when she did, she couldn't keep it down. Today, we decided it was time to let her go. We have been struggling with how to decide. More than anything, we didn't want her to suffer. She went peacefully, with Brian and I, and some close friends, by her side.

I can't fathom that she is gone. There is an emptiness in the house. She loved to lie in the recliner, or with her head resting on the front window sill, watching the neighborhood. She was a constant companion, and greeted us with a smile every day. She was simple and sweet. She endured all our adventuring. She was the best.

I love you Miss Fifi, I will always remember you, you will forever make me smile. I wish you could have been with us all our lives. I hope that somehow you know my gratitude for and to you. Thank you for your trust and friendship. Rest peacefully.

Gratitude

I just read a news story about a girl who was diagnosed with osteosarcoma at age 11. She had tumors on her spine, and despite traditional treatments, was told she would die in 3 months. That was in 1997. This year she celebrated 13 years since her diagnosis. She was given an experimental treatment that saved her life. She calls the anniversary of her diagnosis her "Glad to Be Alive" day.

This girl, now a young woman, wrote about how she is glad for all the positive things cancer brought into her life. And it reminded me...

When I was 13 years old, I was diagnosed with a rare auto-immune disease. I was one of two girls in Colorado who had it. Treatment included heavy duty steroids, chemotherapy, and monthly trips to the hospital for infusions of gamma-globulin. Cancer, it was not. Except for the day of my diagnosis, I never feared for my life. I knew that I would get through it. After 2 years, my disease was in remission, and it never came back.

Some people said to me, "I'm sorry you had to go through that." And I appreciate that sentiment. But, I'm not sorry. Experiencing such a challenge was an incredible lesson- about gratitude, about what is really important in life. Because of my experience, I have strength. The experience simplifies things for me. There is a lot of other "stuff" that consumes people, that doesn't really matter. Some days, it gets me, too. But, ultimately, every day, I think about how blessed I am, especially now that I am a Mom. I think the challenge was there so that I could be grateful.

Week 2

I am just about to start week 2 of work. Week 1 went remarkably well. I cried each time I left Kinnie, though each time the tears were dried more quickly. I think I will love my job- it will keep me busy, which is good when I want time to pass to get home to my baby. Kinnie has handled the transition well. We love her daycare provider so far- she is a woman who specializes in babies under 3 years old. She is attentive and relaxed and caring. There are three other girls there when Kinnie is, and she loves to watch them. In the past week, she has become even more talkative, and I wonder if it is, in part, her effort to communicate with the other kids.

I was rocking Kinnie last night, after her nighttime meal. She was asleep, and I was watching her, imagining what life will be like when she is one year, or ten years, or when she is moving out on her own for the first time. I realized I feel so unprepared for those things. It is so lovely that parenthood is a process. So, while none of those milestones will happen tomorrow, when I look back, it will probably feel as though it was just yesterday that I was rocking my little infant to sleep. Because we're together every day, and I see her grow and develop, when those milestones do get here, I will be ready.

I am so grateful for this experience. I can't believe how it has changed my life, and my outlook on life. A cousin wrote that life before kids is black and white, and after kids, life is in color. That's the best description I have heard. And no one could have explained it to me before she was born. There just aren't words. And, I think one doesn't know this kind of love and awe and gratitude until they are looking into their child's face for the first time.

3 months, 9 days

Kinnie is amazing. She can laugh, coo, almost sit up, hold toys in her hands. Every day there is some small advancement (and some days bigger ones)- she fine tunes the use of her hands, or adds another sound to her repertoire of "ooh"s and "ah"s. Her favorite thing right now is to lie on a blanket on the floor and practice kicking, rolling (with help), and sitting up (also with a little help). She spends a great deal of time staring at her hands and feet. She has also started making an "ooo" sound repeatedly when she is looking at something she likes. She loves being in her bjorn, which is now how we go about shopping. She could stare at trees for hours. I am glad she seems as though she'll appreciate the outdoors. Now I just have to get her to the beach...

Motherhood is also amazing. For all it's challenges, and for all the tears I have shed, there is nothing I would rather do in my life.

Last night was Kinnie's first night in her own room, in her crib. She had been building up to it, having naps in the crib during the day and sleeping in our room at night. She went to bed the same as normal, but awakened at 6:15 instead of her usual 7:45. I have a feeling she opened her eyes and realized that there was so much more to look at in her own room. I went in and she was smiling and wiggling all over the place. So, she handled it well. I, on the other hand, bawled. It was the first night in her life that we didn't sleep in the same room. She was ALL the way down the hall. Just imagine when she goes to college...

I have one week left at home until I start working part time. People keep asking me how I feel, and my answer is always that it depends on the moment. The most difficult part right now is finding daycare. I have several options that I am looking at- with Brian's help, of course. Sometimes I feel as though I must choose between the lesser of evils- not because what I'm looking into is bad, but because there isn't any day care that can provide the one on one attention that I would love for Kinnie. Still, there are those that do close to that. Mama bear just has to be willing to trust that baby bear will be well cared for and loved.

More to come soon, I hope...