Playpen

Much to my chagrin, I ordered a playpen for Kinnie. Several important people urged that I do so, in order to keep her safe once she is mobile, which will be very soon. It arrived last night. It is 3 feet by 3 feet, with a padded bottom, and mesh sides about 3 feet high. It is brightly colored, with fun animals printed on the "floor" and sides.

My Papa reminds me frequently of a family trip to Newport Beach, California, when I was maybe one or two years old. He teases me that I nearly ruined the trip because, while on the beach in playpen, I screamed and screamed. I tease him back that I was screaming because I was jailed in my pen, and wanted to be free to play.

It is with humor that I tell Papa I was jailed. But, last night, the playpen for Kinnie arrived while I was at the grocery store. When I left home, Kinnie was on the floor, playing with her Daddy. When I got home, she was in the pen.

I was surprised that I felt a strong reaction to seeing Kinnie this way. My instinct was to get her out and let her roam. I'll admit, it made me feel like crying. And, I'm still sitting here thinking, what is this all about?

Two possible explanations come to mind. One is that I never want Kinnie to feel limited by me. I want her to know that the world is at her fingertips, so to speak (or, in this case, write). I hope that she will explore all her potential with excitement. I realize, also, that it is my job to keep her safe as she does the exploring. Thus, the need for the pen. But it pushes against my general philosophy.

The other explanation could be that she is growing. Not that that, in itself, is a bad thing. I wonder if, as my baby changes into a little girl, there is a part of me that is sad to let go of the teeny tiny being who relied on me for everything.

Well, back to the psychotherapist I go... Every day is an adventure, with lessons to be learned. I am still more grateful that I could have ever imagined.

PS
My baby give me kisses. She opens her mouth wide, and puts it on my face. Sometimes they're more like moose kisses. It cracks her up, and warms my heart. If I'm having a hard day, I imagine getting a kiss and all my worries melt away.